Birthdays…

Yes, mine is a few days away. A few friends have asked me, what my plans are and all I can say is…for the first time in my life, I’m clueless! I have no clue and certainly no plan…not even a figment of one!  It feels kind of strange…maybe cause this is the first birthday in a long time at home with my parents and without my brother. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I am now so busy with everyday stuff…work, Ishaan, house, that I have no energy nor the inclination left to celebrate.

My 40th last year was a Blast – in more ways than one! It was the day after the horrendous Mumbai attacks began and for the rest of my life, I know I’ll always associate my birthday with violence. It was all just too close to home! Still, my friends pampered me with an intimate lunch and many gifts and we all had dinner together. That’s how I’ve spentmost  birthdays; with friends and the hubby (who if I’m lucky sends me flowers!) Gifts are harder…he usually gives me stuff at odd times during the year (most often on return from a trip) and will say something like, “This is your birthday and anniversary gift for the year

This year, I feel lost. I’m still getting settled in Goa and life here is so different from the one I’ve led so far, it might as well be a different universe! I have friends – dear childhood friends and I have close family who care deeply – but things are different here or maybe it’s just me – I’m different! Changed somehow by all the stress and craziness around…

So, here’s my Birthday wishlist…lets start with the basics, shall we?

I hope the family remembers my Birthday! Don’t scoff!!! They’ve forgotten before!!

If they do remember, I hope they find it in themselves to get out of their various depressive moods long enough to smile for a while…

Flowers, cards and gifts would be in the present circumstances – nothing short of a miracle!

Hoping for Miracles One will do

A cozy dinner & a long drive with hubby would be a welcome change

To get through the day without major fights with anyone!

And of course…World Peace

There, is that so much to ask for?

We’ll see…

Happy Birthday to Me!

Exhausted!

Is what I am after the last 10 days! It’s been a roller coaster ride and not half as much fun…

Where should I begin… my Granny,  fell ill. She had a severe attack of viral diarrhea and needed IV fluids for 2 days to bring her back to the living. I monitored her two nights, heart in my mouth, praying.  She’s 84, which doesn’t help or so I thought…but I believe now in the strength and will power of old bones. They were made to last, to survive, to fight and they do! Thank Goodness

Mom kinda lost it…she was so terrified of losing Gran, she just froze. She couldn’t think up a menu for the day without help and it seemed like tears had taken up permanent residence…you get the picture. I’m not good with emotions, as in, I can’t handle my Mom’s! There…that particular cat is out of its bag! I can advise the whole world (good advice too!) and help them through the tough times, be patient, understanding and compassionate…and all of it disappears like a whiff of smoke when it comes to Mom.  I’m sure the universe has a plan, which is why we’re together – Mother & daughter – but it’s going to take a whole lot of lifetimes to figure this one out – so help me God, Universe, Anybody!

I must be the bane of her existence – a daughter that is forthright to the point of rudeness, abrasive, stubborn and extremely short-tempered. That sees faults in everything she does and says and is constantly trying to get her to change her ways. She responds by crying, which just makes me angrier or by moping, which is no better.  For my part – I long for the strong woman I knew – the one that raised a son with DMD with courage, resolve and a total lack of fear in tough conditions. Who dealt with his loss in the best way a mother who has lost her child can be expected to. A woman who though she cannot figure out what to cook for lunch, has a photographic memory for telephone numbers – a gift she passed on to my brother The woman, who hates to cook but won’t admit it; hates housework but won’t admit that either – not to herself and certainly not to me! The woman who volunteered in school, entertained friends and managed her daughter’s wedding with aplomb and confidence…this is the woman I’m seeking, the one that is lost somewhere under the drudgery of routine and the burden perhaps of my own expectations.

So, the bottom line – I’ve had to deal with a sick Gran, a depressed Mom, a generally spaced out Dad, a husband who doesn’t know how to sit still, a toddler – much the same and my new helper – Pushpa (thank heavens for her)!!  Pushpa has been a Godsend!! The one silver lining, apart from Ishaan of course, who can make me laugh, no matter what Truly – I have my fingers & toes crossed – but she seems to be working out – she gets along with Ishaan, helps Mom in the kitchen, pampers Granny and stays out of my dad’s way. Now if only I could be that way

To add fat to the fire as it were, I’ve taken up a part-time job of answering medical questions online. It’s not hard, it’s even interesting, but it takes up every moment of time that I would have spent reading, writing this blog, just chilling…sigh…don’t ask me why I took it up at all, let alone now…I don’t know the answer to that or any other question right now…

All I know is…Gran is better, Mom is not and I’m exhausted…drained physically and mentally… conversations with my aunt and friends keep me sane and recharge my batteries…a big Shout – Out to you all. You know who you are

And now…the weekend is here…no questions to answer…just chilling time, with my boy and Facebook

Thank God or whoever, for small mercies

Learning Curves

These days it seems like I’m on several…all at once. What is it they say…”When it rains, it pours!”

So, here I am, one, trying to cope with living in a big sprawling house filled to its teeth with stuff (i’m being kind here…it’s mostly junk!), most of it, not mine!

Two, trying to make said house livable for our family, which involves renovations, which involves service-men, which means agony as I’ve mentioned in practically every chance I get! Oh and by the by, every person should try getting rid of stuff (read junk again!) that belongs to their parents…every once in a while – excellent lessons to be learnt in the art of diplomacy, patience and perspectives!

A conversation usually goes something like this.

“Mama, I really think we can let that vessel go!”

“Arre beta, lets keep it for Ishaan (my son)! See, it’s just the right size to make his fish curry in!” At this point, I’m already cursing the poor fish in my head!

“Mom, we have a dozen vessels that’ll fit the bill! We don’t need another one!!” By this time, when I’m working myself up to a steam, over a damned vessel (for God’s sake!), she plays the emotional card to perfection.

“But it was a gift from so and so! What will she think? Why are you getting so worked up about one little vessel? We have so many, what does one more matter?” Which brings me back to “Exactly! We have so many, why keep one more?” And so it goes, on and on…

Three, follows from two – trying to find a way to peacefully co-exist with one aging acerbic matriarch of a granny, one indecisive mother, and last but certainly not the least, a distant father who for the most part, rules our lives, while living in a parallel universe, all his own!!

Four, learning to be a ‘Mom’ (I don’t care what anyone says, it does not come naturally, well, not to me!) to my 18 month old toddler boy, who could easily be the devil incarnate he’s so naughty! And though he brings great joy, he also brings much exhaustion and leaves much destruction in his wake!

Need I go on?? What? you thought that was it? Think again…

Four, learning to live with a husband who’s always around!! Oh come now, you what I’m talking about! In a space of 4 odd months, he’s gone from being ‘husband in absentia’ to ‘always-present pain in the butt’,  who thinks he’s mastered the art of running a household and is plagued by the need to point out how everything that needs doing, can be done better, quicker, simpler, if we would only listen to him!! Of course the fact that I’ve run the household for the last 17 years, all comes to naught! ‘Coz hey, what do I know?

Five, re-learning how to live in the country and state I once called home. A place that is now vaguely familiar at best. Some things have changed for the better while others remain unchanged. Friends who have been here for years, have their own circles of life, their own set patterns, that I have to try and weave my life around and into, if I want meaningful social interaction. Most of my friends work, drive and live across the river in the more civilized city of Panjim. I live across the Mandovi in Porvorim, which is sort of like living in limbo, neither here nor there, and what used to a 10 minute drive to Panjim city now takes a good half hour and that’s on the good days! And I don’t drive yet, which makes me a virtual prisoner in my home! If there’s anything worse than Goa’s servicemen, it’s the abysmal state of its public transport system. In this one way, it reminds me of small-town USA, where no vehicle is kind of synonymous with no life!

So there, what do you think? Wanna switch? HEY! Where are you running off to? Aaaaaaaw…come now…don’t be like that

What Are Little Boys Made Of?

My Little Imp!

Knocks on the head & nicks on the nose,

Sticky little fingers & grubby little toes!

Playing tag & climbing trees,

Screams & yells and scraped knees!

Bottles and boxes, sticks and stones

Chocolate, ice cream & broken bones!

Fights & tantrums, hair all a scatter,

Carefree mischief is all that matters!

Like little tornados about the house,

Fitful sleep easily roused!

Perfect silence, shattered by sound,

A sure sign, they are around!

- Harsha

In Memoriam…

Today’s my brother’s birthday. He’s been gone now for 10 months and it feels strange to have his birthday upon us without him. What do we do with this day that was special only because of him?

Raspberry Cointreau Cake from the Marriot...he loved their cakes!

To each his own I suppose – we’ve kept it simple and in the family. A chocolate cake because he adored them A little diya and a garland for his picture, dishes he loved to eat for lunch, some laughter, a few tears and sharing happy memories…my recipe for a private remembrance.

We did put a piece in the paper, with a poem I wrote that I would like to share here. It’s called ‘Sentinel of Peace’, because that’s who he was for his family and that’s how we will remember him, everafter.

‘Sentinel of Peace’

He was a sentinel, guarding our door,

Sharing our secrets, our joys and hopes.

Holding our life in the palms of his hands,

Sheltering our dreams from stormy shores.

Together we loved, we prayed, we shared,

Together we fought, laughed and cried.

And although he’s gone, to his resting place,

His spirit surrounds us, free and alive.

So we celebrate him now, on this special day,

Our rock, our boy, our courage, our strength.

May he be happy in eternal sleep,

Gloriously shining, our sentinel of peace.

-          Harsha

It’s a tough day today with many mixed feelings and emotions running high. But I take solace in the fact that he touched the lives of so many people who remember him fondly, with love, with admiration, with respect.

What more could a sister want?

I love you bro, hamesha!

HELP!

Life is crazy these days and will stay that way for a while.

Adjusting to Goa is no easy task! Her natural beauty does not quite make up for her lack of infrastructure and the lackadaisical ways of her service class! If you ever need a plumber, a carpenter, an electrician, a mason, a gardener or any other help (trust me you will!), you’ve had it! You may as well begin to pray for a miracle, ‘coz that’s what it will take; First – to find any of the above with basic skills, second – to get them to do their job and third – to get them to answer their phone when the said job has gone horribly wrong and they have conveniently disappeared from your life, leaving you with a considerably lighter pocket and a terribly heavy head!!

These are things, Goans however, seem to take in their stride! When I say Goans, I mean people who have stayed here forever and those who having moved here from Metros with excellent services, still don’t seem to have a problem adjusting to the inefficiency and waywardness! I of course, as you have by now guessed, do not belong to either category although I am born into the former category – my family has lived in Goa forever and in their eyes, their beloved Goa is ‘Heaven on earth’ – you get the drift!

So at the moment am stuck  and stuck badly between several workmen and their various inefficiencies, all in the name of settling down. The washing machine is fixed but there’s a problem with its drainage; can’t find a carpenter to come hang pictures and do other odd jobs and am still waiting for an electrician who promised to be here…never mind!!

What I need are some therapeutics! Music to calm my buzzing brain, a lazy Sunday afternoon siesta, an uninterrupted chance to read, have my morning cuppa; actually a chance to do anything uninterrupted, by shouts of “Oh God! Look what he’s done now!”, which generally means, Ishaan has had a pee-pee accident or something more serious!

What I need is help – efficient help. Someone, somewhere, please, send me some HELP!!!!

Diwali…what lies beneath

This year is different…it’s happy-sad, the mood sombre, the festivities low-key…

There’s a darkness in my heart, that no amount of light can fill, the emptiness my brother left behind…this is the first Diwali at home in Goa without him and nothing is the same…

Yes I’ve sent out Diwali greetings to friends and family and yes we took Ishaan to Margao (it’s his first Diwali) and yes on the surface of it all, we had a good Diwali…but…but…such a killer this but! Although Ishaan has brought me great joy, it doesn’t lessen the pain of my brother’s loss…how can it? They are two different people, both unique, both precious but one irrevocably lost…

Monday is ‘Bhaubiz’, a day that celebrates the brother-sister bond. I don’t dare think about it. Have taken the easy way out and will be going to my niece’s so Ishaan can celebrate his first ‘Bhaubiz’ and I can busy myself with him, hoping the joy he brings will drown my sorrow…but…but…there’s that but again…

I knew it would be this way, I’m not an idiot. Was just living in denial for as long as I could…not long enough…not long enough…

I miss you bro…love you hamesha…

Bombay Blues…

I love Bombay, I do, but honestly,  it’s taking more effort everyday to keep the love going!

Have been here for a week now and except for the first 2 days when the weather sucked (you don’t want to be out in Bombay traffic when it’s raining, trust me!) have had a fairly decent time of it. And yet, you won’t see me dancing with joy at being here, not anytime soon…

Perhaps it’s the traffic that’s worse than I remember, the incessant honking and crazy overtaking, the pushiness one has to suffer from inefficient staff, who seem to think it’ll make up for their ignorance and a general decline in the levels of service in every sphere. This last one really bothers and saddens me, ‘coz I always admired the fact that no-one can be as innovative as a Mumbaikar when it comes to offering services – after all, isn’t that why the city is home to 24 million people? Those who come to serve and others who come to be served! This is after all the city where my aunt in Girgaum can have her grocer pick up her eyeglasses from a shop down the street and then have him home deliver it all, with one phone call and all for free!

Bombay for all her razzmatazz and ‘happening’ status, is changing – her people are changing, their attitudes are changing and sadly not for the better. There’s a lot more ‘Me’ and a lot less ‘Us’. Isn’t that why even after a tragedy like 26/11, nothing’s changed. Nothing relevant that is – yes there’s more security in the malls but no consistency with the checking still cursory. And the people – they sadden me the most – the way they take this city for granted, spilling their garbage onto the roads, spitting, peeing at will and brandishing that special brand of ‘Aggressiveness’ (that is the hallmark of anyone who’s lived in Bombay long enough), for the most part with utter disregard for another’s sensibilities; blaming the government for all their woes, not accepting any responsibility for their part in the charade.

This isn’t new by any means, Bombay has always been this way, but it’s getting worse and I fear it’s getting to be the ‘only’ way left to be. Disturbingly, the youth in whom we all rest our hopes for a better future, seems caught up in repeating our mistakes. Money is everything, while pride in the country, state, city figures on the bottom if at all on their list of priorities, unless it’s an Ind-Pak cricket match!!

My heart bleeds for Bombay and for India, where I see huge potential wasted, tons of opportunities squandered, all because we’re hypocrites – too self-absorbed & small-minded to care…

When will it end? How will it end?

Only time will tell…

The Day After…

Feeling a bit better after the yesterday’s rant…nothing’s changed of course, but have managed to hang on to my silence and have tried to be civil, when I can’t avoid speaking. I can tell you straight off, it isn’t going down too well with the rest – but do I care? Not at the moment, no! Just enjoying being in my spaced out zone for a while. We’re all entitled to that privilege every once in a while, right?

Am looking forward to leaving for Bombay this Sunday – get back to civilization, buy books, eat chinese, have interesting conversations…just chill

Oh the sweet escape – I can almost taste it!!

Maximum City – here I come!

Family Matters…

This post is just a rant…it’s not what I do on a regular basis publicly…vent I mean, I save that for my hubby, usually…but I just feel out of sorts today…one of those days, when nothing seems right, everything irritates and everyone is out to get you – or so you think!

Let me begin with what I think is a fact of life – certainly in my life experience – “There’s nothing scarier than 3 generations of women in the same kitchen!” It’s a sure fire recipe for disaster!! The fact that it’s your Mom or your Gran makes it worse not easier. Is it just me, or is it truly easier to forgive and forget strangers? People who pass through your life, leave an imprint or not, bring happiness or not, change your life’s course…or not. I’ve always considered myself to be a rational, non-prejudiced, non-judgmental kind of person – and yet when it comes to family – every rational thought goes straight through the window! For the life of me I can’t figure out why!

Why can I tolerate irritating friends but not an irritating Mom, a frustrating job but not a frustrating Gran, difficult help but not a difficult Dad? Don’t tell me you haven’t felt this way or thought about it…if you haven’t – you’re a saint and more power to you! Share your secret ‘coz I’m at my wits end!! Truly!!

So there it is – out in the open – I love my family but don’t like them an awful lot of the time. I never understood how important ‘like’ is! In my opinion – it’s crucial – much more important than love. Or maybe it’s the proverbial ‘Generation Gap’ ‘coz I live with a 65 year old, a 70 yr old and an 84 yr old, (I’m 40 – no baby myself!) all of whom are constantly telling me, how they have more life experience and therefore are ALWAYS right, no matter what the subject under discussion! A corollary to this statement is often – ‘We’re old, so we can’t change, you’ll just have to learn to forgive and forget what we say. We don’t really mean it anyway!”, which is code for “Shut Up and lump it!”

And yet after years of the same fights and arguments over and over – I cannot seem to stop making the same mistakes. The only way I know how is to be silent – if I say nothing, nothing will break! Right? Not! Silence as a rule, makes it all worse – ‘coz then they’re on my back about how I’m not normal (read – like them), how I’m so irritable (inherited – from them),  and when all else fails, the tried and tested emotional blackmail card – played to perfection, every time, victory assured – “Can’t you just forget what we said ‘coz  we’re old and how long do we have! Do whatever you want then!” I’m waiting to be ‘old’, whenever or whatever that is, ‘coz when your old, everything you say or do is automatically right and you can always play the ‘I’m old, forgive me, I know not what I say!!’ card, until the good Lord himself takes it away!

We’re different – like chalk and cheese are different, like cat and mice are different. We do everything differently – eat, drink, dress, sleep and think, most of all think differently – about people, about life, and very often we have nothing to say to each other, except cold words and sharp insults. Was it always like this? I think it was – just that when I was younger, they were younger and we each hid our feelings better. It’s makes me sad and yes I want it to end, but at the moment I don’t care. I’m tired and exhausted from trying to make changes for the better when all they want is to stew in the same routine – though that’s not what they say. “Oh no!”, they keep saying, “we want to make the change, of course we do! Just don’t expect it overnight.” “Fair enough – not a problem,” I say. Just that I’ve heard this line for 10 years now…how long does one need to change habits? Forever, my guess….but to be fair, what I think is better for them, may not be – and yet somehow I doubt that.

So, we all carry on, squabbling most of the time over trivial issues, maintaining an uneasy truce during the good times and me trying to be as silent as possible (mostly failing miserably – hence the post!)…after all they say ‘Silence is golden’, and when all is said and done – Family matters…right?