I began writing this post on Valentine’s Day – a day celebrating Love. Thought it only appropriate since I lost my beloved brother a few weeks ago – found it too hard though and gave up for a while…now I’m back home in Singapore and trying to finish what I started…am relying on my Bro to give me the courage I need to remember him with Happiness – he would have wanted that – lots of laughs and minimal fuss – that was my brother, my soul mate.
I have never understood why the term ‘soul mate’ is generally used in reference to romantic relationships; just as I have never understood why the love between a mother and her child is considered to be the strongest, deepest form of human love there is, as though the love in all other relationships is somehow lesser. I don’t agree with either of the two assumptions – I just think love is different in different relationships – not lesser, greater, deeper or shallower – just different…equal but different.
As for ‘soul mates’, I just lost mine – my brother, Amey, all of 28, my hero, my confidante, my soul mate. It’s hard for me to find words that describe him – brave, funny, wise, silly, handsome come to mind; harder still to sit at his PC, from where he spoke to me almost everyday for the last 3years. But I have this emotional maelstrom inside me that needs an out – an escape – or else I fear my heart will burst into a million pieces and never again be whole.
The words of a favourite Michael Bolton song (an old favourite of both his & mine) come to mind…
“Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,
Now that I’ve been lovin’ you so long,
How am I supposed to live without you,
How am I supposed to carry on,
When all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone”
That’s how I feel inside and out – how does one survive the loss of a soul mate? How does one fill the empty spaces left behind – at the dinner table, while watching TV and listening to music, in one’s heart and soul?
Some days, it’s too painful to think of him; on others, too painful not to. Nothing seems quite the same anymore and yet suddenly it seems like nothing has changed – he’ll come online at 3.30 pm , like he always did, if I just wait long enough, and we’ll be discussing the latest Bollywood movie or the latest exploits of the Indian cricket team (we both adore MSD!) or venting about Indian politics and the Iraq war, the stupidity of Americans in general and Bush in particular, or going gaga over Sukhi’s (that’s what he liked to call Sukhwinder Singh!) latest song! All favourite topics of conversation on which we usually agreed to disagree 🙂 I’m going to miss all of that and so much more…
But for all my pain and my feelings of loneliness and despair at his loss, I’m Happy, yes, Happy for him, cause now he’s FREE – free of pain and physical limitations – to be the Spirit he was born to be!
He blessed me with his presence in my life for 28 golden years and he was the BEST brother I could have wished for – still is – cause isn’t that what they say – “When you lose someone you love, You have an angel you know!”
So Here’s To You, Babloo – My Brother, My Angel, My Soul Mate…
Love You Hamesha Bro – I could go with the traditional ‘Rest In Peace’ but what I really want to say is – Enjoy!! Have A Blast!! Rock On!!