This morning I had a moment. You know – the kind of moment that arrives without warning, usually offering a calm oasis in the midst of chaos. The kind of moment that comes sometimes from recognizing the truth but mostly from just accepting it. Yup…an epiphany.

I had a rather thorny start to my day. Granny had a fall on her way to the loo early this morning at 4 am. I was completely unaware of the fact until I came down all bleary-eyed in the morning. Thankfully, nothing’s broken, just some nasty bruising. At her age (she’ll turn 85 in April) though, I’ll take bruises over a fracture anytime! Unfortunately in characteristic fashion, I had been rather short with her. It’s just like me that. My concern always seems to manifest masquerade as irritation, especially with those I love. I don’t why that is, except to blame it on some genetic character flaw beyond my control or maybe it’s a defensive mechanism to mask my fear of losing my loved ones. Whatever the reasons, suffice it to say, when it’s time for Ishaan to leave for school, I am not in a good place.

He is outside as always, playing cricket with our driver and Pushpa, utterly oblivious to all of Mom’s flaws for the moment 🙂 Oh that it would stay like that forever! Hubby calls out. It’s time to leave and there’s a flurry of Goodbyes to Pushpa, Grandpa and Grandma. It’s a familiar scene, repeated every Monday through Friday before he leaves. Just before he climbs into the car, I hug him and hold him close, tousle his hair and tickle him while he lays his head on my shoulder, in the crook of my neck (a perfect fit :)). He erupts with laughter and climbs onto Hubby in the car. The sun is shining and my boy is happy. His eye’s are sparkling and his tiny nose is all scrounged up, crinkled with joy 🙂 Suddenly I am in awe of this perfect moment when nothing else matters but the happiness that radiates from my son in great big tidal waves 🙂 I know, I know, it’s crazy…we’ve done this a million times before, but today, although I’m laughing with him and squishing my nose against the car window making funny faces, inside I’m still. Something is different.

Magic smile!

There’s a strange duality to the moment. I’m suddenly aware of its fragility. Of the power of laughter & the healing that comes with happiness. Somewhere deep within, a load feels lighter. There are a million good things in this World and a million bad, but there’s not too many things that can’t be made better by the sound of your child’s laughter 🙂 But the moment is also symbolic of the power my son has over me. Of how my happiness is now forever linked with his and my eyes get teary – whether from joy or sadness is hard to say. Probably both. It’s scary but I feel cleansed.

I stand still and watch the road after the car is long gone. He’s growing up so quickly…too quickly. And that’s when it struck me. It’s always like this between parents and children isn’t it. Children moving away, parents left behind, happy, concerned, and proud. Did I think it would be any different for me? This is how it’ll always be…him leaving, me watching him go…happy, concerned, fingers crossed, like mothers everywhere.

I take a deep breath and walk back inside.

14 thoughts on “Epiphany

  1. Just beautiful writing. Just a beautiful boy. It doesn’t get more perfect than that. You should be proud of these.

    1. Hey Jacque! Wonderful to see you’re back 🙂 Thank you so much for your kind words. I am proud…I feel very blessed to have the Life I do. There’s not much in it I would change 🙂

  2. Lovely post, Harsha. One of the things that strikes me as a parent is that, while I always watch my boys go, I also always watch them return to me, too. Maybe that’s the true magic of parenthood–that even the ties we “cut” are never truly broken.

    Your Ishaan, I swear, what a beautiful boy.

  3. This brought a big smile to my face :))) See? :p
    The marvelous magic in parenthood and the pleasure of simple moments, oh the joy! How I relate to that, although erm my lil ones are of a furry nature..

    Ishaan is growing up to be such a darling! Its the ones we get short with and give us grief that give us most joy, oddly true 🙂

  4. Uff! I just want to give you a big hug! And could I just eat up Ishaan with a spoon? Please?
    Beautiful post H. Being a mom is heartbreaking, innit? It chokes you up and expands your heart so much you feel it won’t fit inside anymore….so you end up wearing it on your sleeve 😉

    1. Permission granted 😉

      Like I said to Wendy, I never considered myself to be the maternal type…more the fun aunt type, coz for reasons unknown to me, I’m pretty good with kids! They seem to like me (often more than I like them :P) Ishaan is teaching me what it means to be a Mom and you’re right…it’s exactly as you describe!

      Hugs right back at you, H.

    1. Thanks Wendy! They do keep coming back don’t they…I should know too. Look at me, I came back and I’m way over 25 😛 I never thought of myself as particularly maternal…but I remember reading somewhere “A child gives birth to a mother’…and I guess they were right 🙂

      Hugs, H.

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