I was in two minds about doing a Monkton post today. I’ve had a difficult weekend – a weekend that’s left my faith in human nature and my ability to gauge it in shambles. You think you know someone, but once again, the Universe rallies to show you that you can only ever really know yourself – if you’re lucky. A long-term trusted employee (aren’t they always?), of ours at home in Goa, embezzled money from Mom. I won’t go into details (I wish I could get a pill that would just erase the last couple of days from existence), except to say that more shocking than the betrayal was my Mom’s attitude to the issue. She preferred to live in denial and had no intentions of getting rid of the employee even after we laid our hands on hard evidence. All because her exit would mean a huge increase in work-load for Mom and change. Change – there are times I’m convinced my Mom would command planets to change their orbits if it meant status quo for her. No I’m not kidding and no I’m most certainly not being funny.
She likes to think she’s ‘managing’ – that’s what she calls it. She’s ‘managing’ well, which in her mind translates to ‘I’m independent and I’ll be damned if I let anyone tell me different.’ Yet the reality is that she needs a team of six people to keep the house going coz she can’t ‘manage’. I have no issues with that – she’s almost 70 – she shouldn’t have to ‘manage’ at all in my opinion. They can all come live with me and we can take care of them. But the bottom line is this – my Mom prefers to be dependent on the help of strangers rather than her own daughter. That’s just how it is. This isn’t anything new, just that it was obvious again this weekend that she would rather have a thief in the home than live with us. Perhaps I’m imaging things…perhaps she truly believes that by living separately, she’s causing us less pain and anxiety (although, really Mom?). Perhaps she feels that Hubby having to rush over and sacrifice weekends with family at the drop of a hat, causes us less grievance than say if they were right here with us and we were on the spot to tackle the problem or Heaven forbid – prevent it from occurring or escalating into a crisis. Just as long as she doesn’t have to change – the rest of the world can just get off their high horse and fall in line – coz isn’t she ‘managing’ just fine, all on her own?
Can you tell I’m angry and hurt? I didn’t want to write this post at all, but I need an outlet too and this is the only one I have. I haven’t spoken to Mom in two days and I’m not sure when I will. I know she’s my Mom, but I’m a human being and I deserve respect. I’m sure a lot of you will feel I’m being harsh and judgmental and stubborn – and I agree wholeheartedly. I am – but there’s no escaping the genes is there. I am her daughter – a reflection of everything she is. She probably feels justified in her anger and I know I do in mine. Stalemate for a while. No points for guessing who’ll crack first.
My aunt, my dear darling Aunt, as different from her sister as chalk & cheese, continues to be my pillar of strength through all of this mess. She manages miraculously to make me feel validated while also explaining Mom’s perspective and she has the gift of being able to listen and to agree to disagree, because it is a gift! She is the perfect confidante. I feel much better – have just returned to this post after a long chat with her and although I know that what she offers are mostly platitudes – I get from her what I rarely do from Mom, a listening ear and an attempt at understanding. This hasn’t been an easy post to write – I don’t feel good about have written it. But I do feel a touch lighter…just a feather touch, like I can maybe take a breath again and get on the road to forgiveness…maybe.
How does all this tie into a Monkton image…I’m not sure it does, but I hate to leave you with just all this ranting and venting, so I’ve found one that matches my frame of mind superbly in this moment. It’s brought a smile to my face despite all the grouching and I’m hopeful it’ll help you forget all the darkness I’ve just meanly heaped on you guys…Sorry. Truly. Thank you to those who read. God Bless.
H is for Happiness 
Is this my blog? No really, did I write this?
Psst….I’m not talking to my Mom these days either. Good job she has more daughters to make up for my absence 😉
Seriously though, I so hear you when you say you deserve respect from your mother. I went through similar hurt two weeks ago, though the issues may be different. I’m glad you have your aunt to sort you out. As for me, I use poor ol’ Huz!
M!!!!! Aise bhi ho sakta hai bhala??!! Is this a Sagitarian thing? Is your Mom a Leo by any chance 😉 Mine’s a regular lioness…the thing is I can truly understand how she might feel the way the way she feels. I’m not a complete idiot…but the heart feels the way it feels and right now it feels rejected. Also I’m fed up of being told how we must be flexible because the old cannot be! That’s a load of BS…it’s just plain ole stubbornness is what it is. And whatever happened to the wisdom of the elders? If they’re so wise how come they can’t see past their own rigidity?
Time will cool me down hopefully…time and space which is what I’m giving myself. I hope you sort things out with your Mom without losing your respect 🙂
Kyun nahi hosakta?! Zaroor hosakta hai! Mom’s a Capricorn and I’ve always had issues with her stubbornness but being the pacifist that I am, I always acquiesce. Being a people-pleaser doesn’t help me much and I have always struggled for my mothers approval…except she’s a critical person by nature and is never gentle with her opinions! But as I get older I am more my own person now, with my own ideologies, preferences and life choices. My mother disapproves of nearly everything I do. So you can imagine 😦
Anyways, the silent treatment is my best strategy….that’s the only way I can stick up for myself, at least until I can be sure I won’t lose my temper 😛 There’s no arguing with her, and I am done trying to please. 🙂
I hear you M. My Mom is critical by nature too…it’s a pity she never turns the radar on herself 😜 And that last line just says it all. And yet in a juvenile fashion I want her to feel at least a fraction of the hurt that I’m feeling at the moment. Also…have a trump card…Junior! No, no I don’t use him…no stooping to such low levels…just that when I’m silent she gets no info on her adored grandson…maybe that will melt her eventually? One can only hope 😊
Oh! And 3 cheers for Huz, Hip Hip Hurrah 👍👍👍
Hopefully you’ll both achieve some kind of compromise 🙂 But there’s another thing we have in common….thieving long-time maid! We all are pretty sure she stole quite a bit of my mothers jewellery over the years, but so deep was the reliance on her that all suspicions were pushed under the rug and she was rarely confronted. She continued to serve my parents until she got too old to work and then ‘retired’. My parents never employed another maid and refuse to acknowledge the fact that they desperately need help! They don’t realize that it makes us worry, and indeed, all our lives are too busy and after doing all our chores it is daunting to go there and do theirs as well 😦
C’est la vie M! Don’t think it’ll ever change. The only response I get from my Mom is that she’ll call us when she needs us! Yeah! Otherwise we just have to advise her on everything, watch while every bit of advice is discarded and obediently wait for the next crisis while all the time telling everyone how proud we are that she’s ‘independent’ 😁😝 but I just cannot understand how after huge declarations of love and faith parents turn around and trust complete strangers over their own offspring! It scares me that it might happen to me 😟 Still haven’t spoken to her…don’t quite feel in control yet.
I bet it’s easier for your mom to feel independent if she’s not relying on her loved ones – like she’s taking care of it on her own. Which obviously does not mean that it’s easy for you or that she’s right. My mom is younger, but no less stubborn. Fortunately, I live 500 miles away and so I cannot get pulled in to the problems that would cause me so much emotional grief if I were closer. Problems that I’m learning every family has – they might just not talk about them.
I won’t tell you to talk to your mom; you’ll do that when you’re ready. Just go ahead and let yourself off the hook for being hurt and angry. You should be. But you’ll also move on and help her maintain – even if it means change for one or both of you 😉
I read an anecdote from Louis C. K. talking about being alone – how we are all alone always. And that it’s normal to be alone, and normal to feel that soul-crushing awareness sometimes…that that awareness is what allows us to revel in the feeling of connectedness we sometimes share with others. You might be alone, but you’re also connected. Hang in there…and keep an eye out for that brain-addling hedgehog 🙂
It
You know Heather – that makes sense. She probably thinks that since she pays them to do her bidding she’s in control which is true to some extent. I just constantly worry that some day someone will take advantage, like this time and my Mom who is so sharp where I am concerned will be taken for a royal ride…sigh. Just something I have to live with without letting it drive me insane. Beware the hedgehog indeed!
I’ll talk to her soon enough 🙂 She’s Mom after all, how can I not? But I’m thinking I need a couple of more days to let of steam. Meanwhile Hubby and she get along fine! How on earth does that happen?! I mean I’m not complaining but really 😳😛 And thank you for that quote…it resonated with me today because when I felt soul-crushingly alone, the outpouring of love and support from my friends allowed me to see how somewhere, somehow there’s always a connect. Thank you Heather 😊 Hugs!!!
Just so as to improve your mood…sent you an interesting link on your email account
Thanks Muriel ❤️ Feeling better already after the rant 😉👍