I was in two minds about doing a Monkton post today. I’ve had a difficult weekend – a weekend that’s left my faith in human nature and my ability to gauge it in shambles. You think you know someone, but once again, the Universe rallies to show you that you can only ever really know yourself – if you’re lucky. A long-term trusted employee (aren’t they always?), of ours at home in Goa, embezzled money from Mom. I won’t go into details (I wish I could get a pill that would just erase the last couple of days from existence), except to say that more shocking than the betrayal was my Mom’s attitude to the issue. She preferred to live in denial and had no intentions of getting rid of the employee even after we laid our hands on hard evidence. All because her exit would mean a huge increase in work-load for Mom and change. Change – there are times I’m convinced my Mom would command planets to change their orbits if it meant status quo for her. No I’m not kidding and no I’m most certainly not being funny.
She likes to think she’s ‘managing’ – that’s what she calls it. She’s ‘managing’ well, which in her mind translates to ‘I’m independent and I’ll be damned if I let anyone tell me different.’ Yet the reality is that she needs a team of six people to keep the house going coz she can’t ‘manage’. I have no issues with that – she’s almost 70 – she shouldn’t have to ‘manage’ at all in my opinion. They can all come live with me and we can take care of them. But the bottom line is this – my Mom prefers to be dependent on the help of strangers rather than her own daughter. That’s just how it is. This isn’t anything new, just that it was obvious again this weekend that she would rather have a thief in the home than live with us. Perhaps I’m imaging things…perhaps she truly believes that by living separately, she’s causing us less pain and anxiety (although, really Mom?). Perhaps she feels that Hubby having to rush over and sacrifice weekends with family at the drop of a hat, causes us less grievance than say if they were right here with us and we were on the spot to tackle the problem or Heaven forbid – prevent it from occurring or escalating into a crisis. Just as long as she doesn’t have to change – the rest of the world can just get off their high horse and fall in line – coz isn’t she ‘managing’ just fine, all on her own?
Can you tell I’m angry and hurt? I didn’t want to write this post at all, but I need an outlet too and this is the only one I have. I haven’t spoken to Mom in two days and I’m not sure when I will. I know she’s my Mom, but I’m a human being and I deserve respect. I’m sure a lot of you will feel I’m being harsh and judgmental and stubborn – and I agree wholeheartedly. I am – but there’s no escaping the genes is there. I am her daughter – a reflection of everything she is. She probably feels justified in her anger and I know I do in mine. Stalemate for a while. No points for guessing who’ll crack first.
My aunt, my dear darling Aunt, as different from her sister as chalk & cheese, continues to be my pillar of strength through all of this mess. She manages miraculously to make me feel validated while also explaining Mom’s perspective and she has the gift of being able to listen and to agree to disagree, because it is a gift! She is the perfect confidante. I feel much better – have just returned to this post after a long chat with her and although I know that what she offers are mostly platitudes – I get from her what I rarely do from Mom, a listening ear and an attempt at understanding. This hasn’t been an easy post to write – I don’t feel good about have written it. But I do feel a touch lighter…just a feather touch, like I can maybe take a breath again and get on the road to forgiveness…maybe.
How does all this tie into a Monkton image…I’m not sure it does, but I hate to leave you with just all this ranting and venting, so I’ve found one that matches my frame of mind superbly in this moment. It’s brought a smile to my face despite all the grouching and I’m hopeful it’ll help you forget all the darkness I’ve just meanly heaped on you guys…Sorry. Truly. Thank you to those who read. God Bless.