Here’s a thought…I am so much more regular when I’ve got a theme going or a challenge. Are you like that? Can you be regular and diligent without a deadline looming? Even if it is a passion? I mean I love to write and take pictures and I like to write poetry too but of late it has forsaken me. I say this because I never seem to be able to think up a poem on my own…as in, when something, anything really, affects me deeply (whether at a conscious or sub-conscious level), I let it stew for a while…ruminate in my soul as it were and see if something emerges. It used to be that a poem would often emerge…scattered words and thoughts that would wander into my consciousness and coalesce gently into an idea and birth an emotion that felt ‘right deep down in my gut’. That’s when I would sit down and put pen to paper and eventually they would flow and make sense.
These days however that happens less and less frequently. I always seem to be ‘doing’ and never taking time out to just ‘be still’. And although I’m doing things I love to do, I crave the stillness that births my poetry and so this morning when a thought came into my head, uncalled for, sudden and persistent, I felt fulfilled…like when you find that elusive piece of the puzzle, that puts everything in the right perspective? Just like that 🙂 It’s just a couple of lines but it helped me understand what’s been going on underneath all that ‘doing’. My family is ageing…everyone I love is growing older, and age brings with it a unique set of circumstance and issues – most of which have appear to have no solutions. And while for the most part I can cope, lately I think the worry & concern that’s never far below the surface must have increased ever so slightly tipping the scales, so that it finally ran over into my consciousness. Well that’s what I think anyway.
And for some reason the first thought that then popped into my head was of this picture of a leaf in it’s final stages that I took ages ago. It’s a favourite of mine…because of the intricate patterns that a bug has created, delicate and fragile like Life itself. And so it is with Dementia…as Time eats away some parts of the brain and spares others, creating patterns that change the very essence of who we thought we once were. So relentless, so merciless, so final. It’s hard to watch the people who were pillars of your world fade away and slowly disappear, while you watch on helpless. It is hard and hurtful and tremendously scary, coz through the constant concern for their well-being, there’s a little anxious voice that whispers, “Will this happen to me too? What if this happens to me?” and “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” in a never-ending loop.
And because it is so scary, we push it deep down and cover it with all the ‘stuff’ of Life, until we feel insulated enough to go about our routine as normally as we can. And we get pretty good at the cover-up, so that we begin to believe that things will indeed be alright, until Wham! One day – a thought emerges…
P. S. I’ve decided to make ‘Thursday Thoughts’ into a weekly thing…just one more attempt at being regular at writing and a place where I can lighten my load by sharing it with you guys! And don’t worry…not every Thursday will be dark & heavy 😛 It’s not in my nature to stay that way long! What do you think? I’m game if you are.
12 thoughts on “Thursday Thoughts…”
I wish I would have known you when my parents were alive. We all suffered their dementia with them too. There are some strengths that come through, so take heart. Love your writing.
Thank you Wendy! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment – especially comment 🙂 My Gran will turn 88 this April and Dad has Parkinson’s. She has Dementia and he has lived in near silence for the last couple of years. I try not to dwell as best I can…coz really what would be the point? All I can do is love them from afar (I live in another city) and support my Mom who’s managing them (with nursing help) like the trouper she is, any way she needs. I love writing poetry…it’s where I can release ‘What lies beneath’, if you see what I mean.
I’m off to explore your blog now 🙂 And may I say once again how very happy I am that we connected. It’s times like these that I worship the Internet 😉
This line alone is poetry: “scattered words and thoughts that would wander into my consciousness and coalesce gently into an idea and birth an emotion”. Your dark thoughts are some of your most beautifully written, even if they are the least fun to think. My family is aging, too – all of Tony’s grandparents are still alive, but mine have been gone for several years. Sometimes I think of what will happen, and then sometimes I remind myself that while it can be helpful to prepare for these things, it can be morbid and unhelpful too. I’m going to live the loss and grief once, and that’s more than enough.
In other news, you do far better with challenges than I do! I keep thinking I’ll participate, but I don’t do well at all with someone else prodding me. I’ve been doing okay on my own, and I must be happy enough with that 🙂 Looking forward to Thursday Thoughts and any other thoughts you share!
Thank you Heather 🙂 I’ve always thought so too…that I write best when I’m writing about the messy, difficult stuff. For a long time I didn’t want to share because frankly I didn’t want to bore people with my troubles when Lord knows they have enough of their own and also because I didn’t want any sympathy or worse – pity.
But now I’m old enough to understand that it’s just a way to release the darkness within, so that the light can get in 🙂 I searched for Leonard Cohen’s Anthem lyrics yesterday and I think they’ve wormed their way into my skull!
Dementia is hard and painful and I pray and hope that Tony and you don’t have to face it in your loved ones. But moving on to happier thoughts…I don’t actually do too well with challenges! This one is 8-weeks old and so far, so good…but I have my fingers and toes firmly crossed! And to think that pregnancy is 38 weeks!! Now that is a Challenge 😉
You did the poetry challenge with aplomb! And does pregnancy count? You can’t easily opt out when the going gets tough!
As for family, both my parents were heavy smokers for nigh on forty years (Dad still is; Mom has recently quit). I fear I am facing cancer, but my mom’s mom slipped into dementia, which in addition to being unpleasant in general, brought out a very unpleasant part of her nature. I hope what you’re dealing with is not so ugly. I wish I had never met that part of my grandma 😦
Oh yes! Thanks for reminding me Heather 🙂 That might have been the first time I completed a challenge – but that was a month and this is a year…fingers still firmly crossed! LOL…that’s true!
I wish you didn’t have to either Heather. We’re seeing that side of my Gran now and although my Mom bears the brunt of it…it is very painful 😦 We have a lot of senile Dementia in our family…probably coz we have a lot of old-timers. As for cancer…we have that too But you know what…you don’t smoke or drink and you’re living a pretty healthy Life…so you’re already doing it right. The rest…well…fingers crossed eh?!
Harsha, I don’t know how I felt when I read your post. But I do know that you touched something within me. The other day I decided that I wanted my images to mean something. So I decided that every day I would post a picture of mine from my archives and share my faith (I’m Christian) on Facebook. Maybe I’ll even start doing that with my blog since I have more followers there, I don’t know. But the reason I’m telling you all this is not to convert you (that is if your beliefs are different than mine), but to let you know that the verse I shared this morning, was “Be still and know that I am God…” So when I read your post and you spoke about being still and quiet, I thought of my post on Facebook. I don’t believe in coincidences, so there’s something there.
From the little time that I’ve been reading your posts, both here and in our photo group I’ve always pictured you as a happy and cheerful person and never gave a second thought about any underlying challenges. Your post was thought provoking and powerful.
BTW I absolutely love your photo and always enjoy reading your comments in our group.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Julio. I’m so very glad we connected…and I feel it’s the Universe leading me to like-minded people, so that I may learn and grow.
I am happy and cheerful most of the time 🙂 I truly am…but we all of us have our Challenges don’t we? C’est la vie. These days I’ve been so caught up with taking pictures and thinking of ideas and what with that and routine and a 5-yr-old…stillness is a luxury. But at my core I am very much an introvert – happiest in solitude or curled up with a good book.
Thank you again for your kind words. And please do share your pictures and your Faith on your Blog as well. Would love to read and get to know you better. I’m not Christian, I’m a Hindu by birth, but Faith has never been an issue. I believe!
I’m all for discipline, and ‘Thursday Thoughts’ sounds like something I’d really look forward to, just like Monkton Mondays 🙂
The picture you found and your little poem encapsulate the context behind them so well. I can relate to it on a personal level, being a witness to my father in law’s changed behaviour since he suffered a stroke. Long story….involving doctors and hospitals and lack of information. So scary in itself! Incidentally, my father in law loved to write poetry, used to write incessantly and loved reciting it out loud. Can’t believe that’s a thing of the past now.
But ageing. Uff. You never imagine it can happen to you.
You write beautifully, whenever you do H 🙂
Thanks M 🙂 You know how some pictures stay with you? This is one of those…
I’m so sorry to hear about your father in law. It must be hard – on him and all of you who love him. Did he write in Urdu M? Do share…I miss your stories…remember?! And you know….when I was younger and living abroad, I never really thought about ageing as much…it was almost like ‘Out of sight is out of mind’ in a way…but now, being in constant touch with family has changed all that. There is insulation in distance and I hadn’t realised how much I had come to rely on it!
I hope I can be regular…I was thinking of using Thursday Thoughts as a place to store everything that is dear to my heart…quotes, pictures, poems…just a little record of who I am 🙂 Maybe for Junior or maybe for Me, when I’m no longer who I used to be!
Your most Powerful. Post. Ever. Xx
Thank you Anshu ❤ It's been a while since I wrote about the more serious side of Life – one we both understand so well. Feels therapeutic.