Six years ago I lost a soul-mate – my brother, gone too soon, leaving my heart forever fractured. And yet here I am again, the fracture now deepened into a canyon of grief…the only relief coming from the river of memories flowing within.
I lost my Granny two weeks ago. My Mom lost her mother and the world lost a beautiful, courageous, gifted soul. She had been ill – she struggled with health issues all her life really but these last 2 years were particularly hard, fate particularly cruel. You would never have known though…she smiled through every hardship!
I was with her when it happened…holding her hand, watching her ragged breathing stop, one hand on her faint pulse until that too faded away. It was surreal. She was gone and I remember walking out of the room to tell Mom…calmly, matter-of-factly even, that she had passed. We had been preparing ourselves you see, as well as the living can prepare for impeding death. Even wishing for it, for her, because we couldn’t bear to watch her suffer and because the woman we knew and loved so very dearly had left much earlier, leaving only a hollow, fragile shell. Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway.
I feel like I haven’t yet begun to grieve. It’s feels weird. I keep waiting for the acute searing pangs of pain that assaulted me when my brother passed but they don’t come. Instead there’s a continuous, dull, aching pain that weighs me down, a persistent malaise that heightens the all-pervading, ever present emptiness. She’s gone and once again the World still turns. Diminished. Weird. Expected. Understood. I cried me a river six years ago but now my eyes are dry…but sadder. I wonder whether that’s what happens over time as we lose the people we love – they settle in the amplified sadness of our eyes.
She raised me. I was her first grandchild, her only granddaughter and the apple of her eye. I like to think so anyway. If I had to describe her in a word it would be ‘Amazon’. She was a warrior for as long as I can remember, even until the end. When she was young, circumstances necessitated a fighting spirit and I like to think that having found the warrior within, she embraced her wholeheartedly. She was like that Aai – All or Nothing. And for all the challenges she faced I never once heard her express disappointment or regret. She just faced every trial with an inherent grace and dignity that left us all in awe.
I wish I had her strength. I wish I were half as brave as she was. I wish I could tell her one more time how much she means to me, how lucky I am to have been loved by her, how deeply I love her and how profoundly I miss her. I wish she were still here – unbroken, whole, wise. I wish, I wish, I wish…but mostly I wish her Happy wherever she is – and I strongly suspect that she’s with my brother and her siblings having a rocking party somewhere, enjoying herself while looking down on us in benevolence!
Another Angel in my Sky!
I Love You Aai ❤
Always & Forever…
H is for Happiness 
Tons of love & hugs ! Beautifully expressed…. Love your writing!
Thank you Alka 😘 Writing always makes me feel good yet I never seem to do it regularly!
Oh how I wish I could pick up the telephone and be an ear for you. I know your Grandmother meant the world to you, and how you will cherish your memories with her. I am so sorry for you that she has passed, but also with you in solidarity in letting her rest. I know there’s nothing I can say that will ease the pain, but I’m here for you in any way I can be, sister across the sea. Wishing you peace and condolences through your grief. May you remember her well.
Thank you so much Heather 😘 It’s a strange time for me…I find myself questioning everything and everyone…Death has a way of showing up the shallow I find. It shifts perspective and if we pay attention we can focus again on the things that matter. I wish we meet soon in the future. You know what sounds really good right now…to be with you under a Narnian Sky Up North…knowing my Gran is a shining star in a firmament of light! That would be good. That would be Happiness.
How strange that this is what it took to make me write again. Scary and sad…
Or just welcome catharsis. I’m reminded of lyrics from a song I’ve never heard, but have seen quoted: “No such thing as spare time. No such thing as free time. No such thing as down time. All you got is life time.”
You’ve been using your life time to do other things. Now death, as a part of life, calls you to write again. It’s okay, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about doing things other than writing. I miss writing my blog sometimes, but I’m spending my life time doing other things now.
I don’t have funds to travel at the moment, but I do have a guest room and stars! You’re welcome any time 🙂
That is a good song! And some day soon…stars and conversation ❤️