Thursday Thoughts…

Here’s a thought…I am so much more regular when I’ve got a theme going or a challenge. Are you like that? Can you be regular and diligent without a deadline looming? Even if it is a passion? I mean I love to write and take pictures and I like to write poetry too but of late it has forsaken me. I say this because I never seem to be able to think up a poem on my own…as in, when something, anything really, affects me deeply (whether at a conscious or sub-conscious level), I let it stew for a while…ruminate in my soul as it were and see if something emerges. It used to be that a poem would often emerge…scattered words and thoughts that would wander into my consciousness and coalesce gently into an idea and birth an emotion that felt ‘right deep down in my gut’. That’s when I would sit down and put pen to paper and eventually they would flow and make sense.

These days however that happens less and less frequently. I always seem to be ‘doing’ and never taking time out to just ‘be still’. And although I’m doing things I love to do, I crave the stillness that births my poetry and so this morning when a thought came into my head, uncalled for, sudden and persistent, I felt fulfilled…like when you find that elusive piece of the puzzle, that puts everything in the right perspective? Just like that 🙂 It’s just a couple of lines but it helped me understand what’s been going on underneath all that ‘doing’. My family is ageing…everyone I love is growing older, and age brings with it a unique set of circumstance and issues – most of which have appear to have no solutions. And while for the most part I can cope, lately I think the worry & concern that’s never far below the surface must have increased ever so slightly tipping the scales, so that it finally ran over into my consciousness. Well that’s what I think anyway.

And for some reason the first thought that then popped into my head was of this picture of a leaf in it’s final stages that I took ages ago. It’s a favourite of mine…because of the intricate patterns that a bug has created, delicate and fragile like Life itself. And so it is with Dementia…as Time eats away some parts of the brain and spares others, creating patterns that change the very essence of who we thought we once were. So relentless, so merciless, so final. It’s hard to watch the people who were pillars of your world fade away and slowly disappear, while you watch on helpless. It is hard and hurtful and tremendously scary, coz through the constant concern for their well-being, there’s a little anxious voice that whispers, “Will this happen to me too? What if this happens to me?” and “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” in a never-ending loop.

And because it is so scary, we push it deep down and cover it with all the ‘stuff’ of Life, until we feel insulated enough to go about our routine as normally as we can. And we get pretty good at the cover-up, so that we begin to believe that things will indeed be alright, until Wham! One day – a thought emerges…

Entropy

P. S. I’ve decided to make ‘Thursday Thoughts’ into a weekly thing…just one more attempt at being regular at writing and a place where I can lighten my load by sharing it with you guys! And don’t worry…not every Thursday will be dark & heavy 😛 It’s not in my nature to stay that way long! What do you think? I’m game if you are.

NaPoWriMo – Day 22

As I said in my earlier post of the Day, Travel is most definitely on my mind 🙂 And coming across this old lighthouse picture seemed fated! I love Lighthouses – the fact of them, the reason they exist, their inherent mystery and romanticism – standing as they do alone, where two worlds meet – land and ocean! What’s not to love?!

In Goa, on Aguada Hill, a 20 minute drive from my house, stand two lighthouses within the precincts of the Fort built by the Portuguese in 1612. The old one, the one in my picture, is a wonderful structure with loads of personality – A Grand Old Dame of four-storeys built way back in 1864 and the oldest of its kind in Asia, and one I love to visit 🙂 She’s retired now, has been for a long while, a newer younger version exists to do the job; but her cracked, mossy walls, the shattered glass of her windows and her rusty weather-vane crown stand testament to a Life spent in unstinting, selfless service. Think of all the things she must have witnessed, all the yarns she could spin if only she could talk!

For now however she stands in somber silence, watching the world go by. I often wonder what she’s thinking!

1-Day 22

NaPoWriMo – Day 8

As I mentioned in my previous post of the day, yesterday ended with a rather serious conversation with Mom and I guess that’s still playing on my mind coz this rather dark verse popped uncalled for into my head as I was browsing pictures for Haiku! Oh well – an occasional walk on the dark-side can be unexpectedly therapeutic sometimes! 

Diya Jale_haiku